It was 10:00 am on Sunday, January 17th and Rob and I had just parked at the cemetery. As I looked out the passenger window, I saw crystal clear blue sky, vibrant green grass, and all of our loved ones at the top of the hill...the hill that was going to host the physical bodies of my sweet boys. "Maybe if I close my eyes, this nightmare will go away. I'll just wake up with my big belly and feel Mark Allen's precious kicks." I closed my eyes and when I opened them, the images still remained out my window. I took a deep breath, wiped me tears, opened the door, and grabbed Rob's hand...this is reality.
My eyes stayed glued to my feet as we walked up the hill. I smiled as I saw teddy bears, metal butterflies, golf balls, and wind chimes next to several other grave markers that represent the other children that lay there. These were going to be Mark Allen and Jesse Robert's friends. They are ALL in heaven smiling, laughing, and rejoicing for our eternal FATHER, Jesus...We finally made it to the top of the hill and sat by the tree that would soon know our regular presence. Surrounding us was a circle of our parents, our grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and dear family friends. After a few brief moments my Dad opened our Consecration of Land service with a prayer and a few words...
Most of the service was a blur, but one particular verse my Dad quoted stuck out to me, it was Psalm 24:1-6 "The EARTH is the Lord's and everything in it, the world, and all who LIVE in it; for He founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters. Who may ascend the HILL of the Lord? Who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false. He will receive blessings from the Lord and vindication from God his Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek Him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob."
We had deep red rose petals for everyone to place on the ground to represent their first gift to Mark Allen and Jesse Robert. Red was chosen because it was the color of the roses Rob gave me on our first anniversary of dating, it was the color of the rose petals that lined our wedding aisle, it was the color of the roses Rob gave me for my last birthday...and now they were the color of roses that represented the love and tears that were laid at our boys' resting spot.
Rob and I were told to lay our gift down first...Rob walked the few steps from the tree to the grass. He bent a knee and spoke to his boys as a Daddy. I turned my head away from Rob and started to stare at the tree. "I cannot watch this"..."I cannot see the love of my life in such pain and sadness"...As soon as those thought came to mind, I knew that they were not true. I needed to be with husband. I turned my head and crawled to Rob. I laid my beautiful rose petals down and wept. My head hit the grass as I was thinking "My boys, my sweet boys. I miss you. My arms ache for you...Please, Please love my boys, Jesus"...At that moment it was just Rob and I. I heard no one else, I saw no one else...it was just our family, THE MORGANS. I grabbed Rob's face and started audibly saying "We are going to make it. We are going to make it. OK, we are going to make it." Rob nodded his head. I did not say it for him or for our family and friends, I said it for ME. I needed to hear it that despite this horrible tragic situation that I don't understand at all...Rob and I are going to MAKE IT...through God's grace, mercy, and love.
Our family and friends started to lay down their gifts...some spoke words of hope to us...some spoke words of love to our boys...and some spoke no words at all for the tears rolling down their face said enough. Even little eighteen month old Ava, Rob's second cousin, dropped rose petals and said "Luv Mark & Jesse"...Our boys were and are LOVED...the rose petals were shaped into a heart; a heart that represents everyone who was there; a heart that represents the hole in our heart that will always be open for Mark Allen and Jesse Robert.
Rob's cousin, Nathan, also wrote a blog entry about this service. It provides a beautiful perspective of one of those among the "circle". http://nathans350.blogspot.com/2010/01/rob-and-jess.html