January 11th, we had a doctor's appointment at 2:45pm. The Nurse Practitioner did an exam and it showed that I was 2 cm dilated and that the water sac was starting to protrude out of my cervix. She told us that Mark Allen is on his way and that we need to quickly go to the hosptial. I was mentally prepared that this might be the finding at the appointment but I was praying so hard that it might not come true, but the reality was that the time had come. We went home got our bags and made quite a few frantic phone calls to try to get family down.
By 4:45pm, I was admitted to Scripps Memorial in La Jolla. They immediately began to monitor my contractions, started an IV, and drew labs. I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes but my dilation was the same. The pain was tolerable and it was just more that I was uncomfortable. In fact, it was the same pain I had been feeling since I was 16 weeks with my "cramping" which the doctor informed me must have been contractions all along. Then the waiting game began. The doctor told me that they could immediately start an epidural and the pitocin in order to move labor along but I did not want to yet. I wanted to wait for family to arrive first.
My sister, Abby, was already here. She had flown down on the 10th in order to keep me company and I felt so blessed to have her by my side for everything. My Mom took the last flight out of Oakland and landed at 10:00pm. Rob's grandparents live in San Diego and they were ready at a moments notice. My dear friend Brittany (we met in nursing school), came down after working a long 12 hour shift, then had to drive a couple of hours and arrived at 11:00pm. My Dad, Allen, and Teddy drove all night after dropping my mom off at the airport and got here around 3:30am. That was all the family that was coming although my brother Bobby, Rob's Mom, and his sister, Jamie, were deeply missed...It was time to begin.
At 4:30am, the anesthesiologist came and started my epidural. After about 15 minutes, the numbness and pain control started to kick in. The nurse started my pitocin drip to help my contractions get stronger and for my dilation to progress. Once the doctor and nurse left the room and it was just Rob and I, I realized that I will never feel our sweet little boy kick again. The tears were rolling down my face and then by God's sweet mercy, I felt one last kick. It was precious and it was as if Mark was telling me, "It's okay Mommy."
The intensity and frequency of my contractions did increase, but for the most part I was very comfortable and able to rest. At 10:00am, the doctor came in and checked my progression. I was 4 cm dilated. She broke my water in order to speed things up. The doctors were not lying when the said I had a lot of amniotic fluid. It was a ton. It sounded like someone had turned a 2-liter soda bottle over and was pouring it out. My pregnant belly vanished right away. The time was approaching. By 12:00pm, I was still at 4cm so they turned up the pitocin. Due to the fact that I was only 24 weeks pregnant and Mark was going to be so small, I only had to get to 5 cm in order to deliver. One hour later, the time had come...
After five sets of pushing, our little boy was here...1:26pm...he did not survive the birth. He was already in Jesus' arms. He was meeting his Grandpa Mark, all his great-grandparents, his second cousin, and so many other loved ones. Rob and I picture him just running around with his brother and that they are laughing, sweet little laughs, with all the adults surrounding them with huge smiles. He is in a better place....
When the doctor placed him on my chest, all I could say was "Hello, Handsome. We love you!" Despite his many bodily abnormalities, he was perfect. I have never seen anything that was more beautiful and that I love more...He was very small, 14 oz and 9 1/2 inches long. He had the cutest arms and legs. They were an exact replica of Rob's except for maybe his calves those might have been mine :). I just kept looking at Rob's hands and looking at Mark's and marveling how much they looked the same. In comparision to his size, he had a long torso and big hands and feet just like his Daddy. Like Father, Like Son.
Once we got him cleaned up and put a cute little cap on him, we brought the family in to see the most precious little boy. Everyone had smiles on their faces and tears in their eyes. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an organization of professional photographers who volunteer their time for fatal prenatal diagnosis, came in and captured a few minutes of all of us holding Mark and loving him. I am so grateful that they were able to come in and I cannot wait to see the pictures that I will treasure forever. Once the photographers left, we circled around and dedicated Mark Allen back to Jesus. Beautiful words of thankfulness, grace, and love were prayed. His life started and ended in the womb with God's hand surrounding him.
He received a lot of cuddling and kisses from everyone. We took lots of pictures. I had brought quite a few things in to capture Mark's perfect hands and feet on: picture mats, special paper, ceramic plaster, and our bibles. Brittany, Abby, and Kristin (aka Woodie, we played soccer and survived nursing school together at PLNU. She works at the hospital and was able to join us during this special time) spent two hours and a lot of energy getting all the handprints and footprints. It was quite a task, but I am so appreciative.
Around 5:30pm all the family decided to leave for the day and give Rob and I some time alone. It was just the three of us. We were our own family. We were complete. The floodgates of tears poured out of us as we held our son and each other. I could not stop saying how sorry, how very sorry, I was to our perfect little Mark Allen. I wish that I could have given up anything to have protected him and to have him here. We told him that we love him so so much! We kissed him and once again examined his perfect little body. After physical and emotional exhaustion, I finally fell asleep with our son in my arms. It was so special. After a couple of hours, Rob got to hold him and sleep with Mark in his arms. Around midnight we woke up and knew the time was coming that we needed to give up our son's body for his soul was already in heaven. We took more photos and showered him with kisses. We bathed him as we wept and sung Jesus Loves Me. We put his cap on, wrapped him tightly up in a blanket and placed a tiny stuffed dog in his arms. It fit just right. I did not know if I would have the strength to give him up but by God's provision I had a peace that I could only attribute to the Lord. The nurse came and took him at 1:26am....we had twelve wonderful hours with him. We will always love you Mark! We will never forgot you! We cannot wait to tell your brothers and sisters about their big brother Mark!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Mark Allen Morgan Almost Here
So we are sitting in the hospital trying to get some sleep before the doctor's orders of an epidural around 3am and pitocin around 4am to induce labor. Thankfully, Jess hasn't been in much pain so far: 2 on a level of 1-10 (I am practicing my new nursing lingo). We have been resting in a deep peace for most of the night through the tears, laughter, and one too many phone calls. It is eerily quiet as we seem to be hovering in the eye of the storm after the flurry of activity today.
While everything is happening much quicker than expected, sitting in this moment it feels as if God's timing is perfect. I don't think I have ever felt his presence so real, my confidence so strong knowing how deeply he is loving us this very moment. I can only attribute this to all of you who have been journeying with us, praying beside us, and loving us through the hurt. We are nervous as to what is to come in the next few hours, but also excited to meet our son in person for the very first time.
We have decided to name him Mark Allen Morgan II. We had always planned to name our firstborn son after my father to honor his memory in a new generation. On finding out the news we wondered if we should give him a different name, but Mark seemed to be right. Then when my grandmother shared with us the vision she had of her son Mark Allen Morgan holding a baby in his arms in heaven in front of God we knew. Today my dad will become a grandfather, I will become a father, and God will gain another precious child all worshipping the name of his Son, Christ, until the end of time...
While everything is happening much quicker than expected, sitting in this moment it feels as if God's timing is perfect. I don't think I have ever felt his presence so real, my confidence so strong knowing how deeply he is loving us this very moment. I can only attribute this to all of you who have been journeying with us, praying beside us, and loving us through the hurt. We are nervous as to what is to come in the next few hours, but also excited to meet our son in person for the very first time.
We have decided to name him Mark Allen Morgan II. We had always planned to name our firstborn son after my father to honor his memory in a new generation. On finding out the news we wondered if we should give him a different name, but Mark seemed to be right. Then when my grandmother shared with us the vision she had of her son Mark Allen Morgan holding a baby in his arms in heaven in front of God we knew. Today my dad will become a grandfather, I will become a father, and God will gain another precious child all worshipping the name of his Son, Christ, until the end of time...
Friday, January 8, 2010
More Complications....
On January 5th we went to see the perinatologist and received more difficult news....I have been diagnosed with polyhydramnios which is an increased amount of amniotic fluid. I knew that this was a possibility in the pregnancy due to an anencephalic babies not being able to swallow. The fluid is causing complications because it is pushing on my cervix and making it become thin. The doctor said that I will likely go into labor within the next couple of weeks and that he would be surprised if I was still pregnant in a month.
The news for me is just another heartbreak and brought a fresh fountain of tears. I found myself again starring into a mountainous feeling of inadequacy....I cannot even keep our son safe inside me. My hope to carry to term and have even just a few hours with him alive was shattered. The reality is that we can confidently say that we have tried all that we can to protect this life for as long as God will allow. These past 23 weeks have been a blessing for me. Despite the horrible morning sickness and discomfort of a growing belly, I have felt his life inside of me. I am a Mommy and no one can take that from me. We have been blessed with two sons that will be waiting for us in heaven to hold them and tell them that We love them more than words can describe.
Please pray that as I anxiously wait for labor to come that I will have peace. Pray that despite the tragedy of losing our son that we will have strength to celebrate his life and the miracle that he is. Pray that we can be a witness to our doctors and nurses that we serve a faithful God who is present even in the midst of utter darkness.
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11....I do not know why this is happening or why we were chosen but I know that God is in control and good will come from this situation.
The news for me is just another heartbreak and brought a fresh fountain of tears. I found myself again starring into a mountainous feeling of inadequacy....I cannot even keep our son safe inside me. My hope to carry to term and have even just a few hours with him alive was shattered. The reality is that we can confidently say that we have tried all that we can to protect this life for as long as God will allow. These past 23 weeks have been a blessing for me. Despite the horrible morning sickness and discomfort of a growing belly, I have felt his life inside of me. I am a Mommy and no one can take that from me. We have been blessed with two sons that will be waiting for us in heaven to hold them and tell them that We love them more than words can describe.
Please pray that as I anxiously wait for labor to come that I will have peace. Pray that despite the tragedy of losing our son that we will have strength to celebrate his life and the miracle that he is. Pray that we can be a witness to our doctors and nurses that we serve a faithful God who is present even in the midst of utter darkness.
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11....I do not know why this is happening or why we were chosen but I know that God is in control and good will come from this situation.
Monday, December 28, 2009
It is a Boy!
We found out that we are having a son! It is a boy! The news brought both joy and sadness....As we were told that "It is a boy" both Rob and I had smiles on our faces as we watched our son on the screen. It is nice to personalize the life inside me and say "he" as opposed to "it". We have not decided on a name yet. Rob and I are praying and mediating on what that choice will be.
The news also brought up my human nature of wondering "what if". What if I was having a healthy pregnancy, we would be having identical twin boys. It's hard for me not to daydream and wonder what my sons' lives would have been like. Would they have liked to be wrapped up in the bassinette next to each other? Would they have been toddlers who fearlessly explored the world or cling to my leg? Would they have liked to play soccer or basketball or maybe even play music? Would their personalities have been similar or completely different despite physically looking the same? Would they have been tall just like their Daddy? What if, what if, what if.......the reality is that God has bigger plans for our sons than even my aimless daydreaming can imagine.
Prayer
The ultrasound did show that the acardiac twin is continuing to grow. We are praying that he will stop growing soon because the longer he keeps growing, the more stress it puts on the anencephalic baby. On a positive note, I have been feeling the baby move. It has been a treasured experience. I feel that with every kick he is saying "I am here, Mommy!" "I am alive!". Rob has also been able to feel the movement and connect with our son. I have been placing the hands of friends and family on my belly in order for them to meet him, even if it is through my skin. I want people to have the same revelation when they feel the tiny kick....that he is alive and that there is a life inside my womb.
The news also brought up my human nature of wondering "what if". What if I was having a healthy pregnancy, we would be having identical twin boys. It's hard for me not to daydream and wonder what my sons' lives would have been like. Would they have liked to be wrapped up in the bassinette next to each other? Would they have been toddlers who fearlessly explored the world or cling to my leg? Would they have liked to play soccer or basketball or maybe even play music? Would their personalities have been similar or completely different despite physically looking the same? Would they have been tall just like their Daddy? What if, what if, what if.......the reality is that God has bigger plans for our sons than even my aimless daydreaming can imagine.
Prayer
The ultrasound did show that the acardiac twin is continuing to grow. We are praying that he will stop growing soon because the longer he keeps growing, the more stress it puts on the anencephalic baby. On a positive note, I have been feeling the baby move. It has been a treasured experience. I feel that with every kick he is saying "I am here, Mommy!" "I am alive!". Rob has also been able to feel the movement and connect with our son. I have been placing the hands of friends and family on my belly in order for them to meet him, even if it is through my skin. I want people to have the same revelation when they feel the tiny kick....that he is alive and that there is a life inside my womb.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Our Journey...
August 23rd
I woke up Sunday morning with this premonition that maybe I was pregnant. I decided to take a home test and after a few minutes....PREGNANT!!! I was giddy and excited. After I could not wait any longer, I woke up Rob with the good news. He was a little shocked to say the least. We just sat in silence with huge smiles. Once the initial shock passed, we prayed that God's hand will be in the pregnancy and for our future child.
September 23rd
It was our first doctors appointment. I was eight weeks pregnant and already feeling the effects of morning sickness (or night sickness in my case). As I was driving to the doctor's office, I was nervous and excited. My heart was pounding as I thought about seeing our baby for the first time. We started the appointment by having an ultrasound. On the screen, we could immediately see the heartbeat and the little flutter as it moved side by side. I exhaled in relief knowing that the baby was alive and that all was well. After the ultrasound, we had to wait for the nurse practitioner. We ended up waiting for almost an hour and it never once crossed my mind that it was taking so long because the doctors & practitioners were examining our ultrasound. Finally, they called us back. We met our nurse practitioner and had a very basic assessment & exam. We were able to ask several questions without any inclination that something was wrong. Then the nurse practitioner asked "Do you know how many babies you have?". My eyes got wide and I looked at Rob and answered "No". At that moment, my heart was racing and I thought I can not believe we are going to have twins. I have always wanted twins but what were the odds? Then she responded, "Well, you have twins BUT only one has a heart beat and the other baby appears to have something wrong with it's brain." BOOM.......Our world came crashing down as disbelief began to overcome us and tears started to pour. She gave her condolences and gave us a few moments. Rob and I just held each other weeping. Could this be happening? Is this really going on? I knew right then, that we could not keep the pregnancy a secret any longer. We had to tell our families because we needed prayer. It was a very emotional day of not knowing what "wrong with the brain" even meant. I thought maybe we would have a special needs child. Since I work with them almost everyday, I knew that I could handle it and God would not give me more than I could handle.
September 24th
Even though I was emotionally drained from crying the day before, I went to work. I had my patient assignment and did my morning assessments. It was 8:45 and I called the perinatologist office per the nurse practitioner's request. I talked with the secretary explaining the ultrasound finding and how I needed to make an appointment. I was put on hold and then the secretary returned and said that the doctor wanted to see me right away. I told her I was at work and could I come in tomorrow and she said you need to come in now. Her sense of urgency made me very nervous. Thankfully, my manager was very supportive and we were able to find another nurse to cover my patients. By 10:15 Rob and I were in the perinatologist office. They preformed another ultrasound before we met with the specialist. We sat in his office as he explained how the baby referred to as Baby B had passed away 10 days ago and how, if at all, it's death would affect the other baby referred to as Baby A and the overall pregnancy. Finally, I interrupted and said "I'm sorry but they told us that something was wrong with the Baby A's brain". The Doctor was surprised by my statement and reviewed the scan and stated "everything looks fine to me". I just starred at Rob. Was there no more need to worry? Was our baby really ok after that devastating allegation? We left the office in silence and as we got into the elevator Rob said "Just be prepared that this might be an emotional roller coaster". Little did we know that he was foreshadowing our pregnancy to come.
October 8th
Two weeks later, we returned to the perinatolgist office for a follow-up appointment. I was ten weeks along and they wanted to ensure that there was proper brain development. Rob & I went to the ultrasound room and started our scan with the nurse. As soon as the baby was focused on the screen, I knew that something was not right. The baby's head looked abnormally large. I looked at the nurse and said "It is not normal, huh". "No, I don't think so. Let me go get the doctor." The doctor returned and informed us that indeed the ultrasound showed that the baby had anencephaly, a condition were there is no skull developed over the baby's brain. Typically, such babies can survive in utero but the brain will be washed away by the amniotic fluid. This condition is not conducive with life and they die within hours after birth. The cause of the condition is unknown, however, it is closely linked to low folic acid. I did my best to stay composed and to ask questions even though my mind was racing. The doctor was very matter of fact as he explained the condition. Then he stated "I would really recommend termination". I knew immediately that that was not an option for Rob or I. The doctor responded "Well you need to think about it because there are increased risk for toxemia due to the brain getting washed away". I felt that maybe he was trying to intimidate us but I can understand how legally he needed to make us aware of the risks. I reassured him that termination was not an option. Rob and I went home utterly broken...grieving the future loss of our child, grieving of the dream of child. It was devastating and heartbreaking. However, I had a weird since of peace. Peace that God was meeting us in our brokenness and I did not feel angry or doubt towards Him. I had negative thoughts towards myself though. Like what if I had only taken more folic acid (even though I was taking it prior to getting pregnant) or if only I had done blank. I know in my head that I cannot dwell on such thoughts and realize that sometimes things happen, but it is difficult to release myself from the trap of thinking that maybe I could have done something to prevent the situation and save our baby.
November 9th
It had been five weeks since the confirmation of the devastating news and we were coping the best that we could with the situation. We went into the perinatologist office with the thought "Well, at least it can not get any worse". We had another ultrasound and after a few minutes the nurse said "Let me get the doctor". Rob and I looked at each and thought now what is going on. The doctor returned and said "It looks like you have an acardiac twin. I'm really sorry, but this is as bad as it gets." Baby B, who had passed away at 7 weeks, was still growing from the waist down. This means that Baby A's heart is pumping for both of them and it is decreasing the amount of nutrients that the baby gets. Due to the stress that this places on the baby, the likelihood of the baby surviving in utero is only 25%. This was another blow for us because up till this point we were hoping and praying for the chance to meet our baby and hold it as it passes. While we knew that God could still provide us with the opportunity it was hard to not be further discouraged. We also received news that the acardiac twin will put increased stress on the placenta which in turn increases my risk (which was already high) for preeclampsia. The doctor once again encouraged us to terminate. However, right now I am healthy and our baby is alive. I am not saying that I am going to risk infertility, organ damage, or my life, but Rob and I are going to do all that we can to honor this LIFE.
Prayer
I am eighteen weeks pregnant and now physically seeing the effects of pregnancy as my stomach is getting bigger and bigger. This journey has been one of unexplainable heartache and pain, however, I also have never more clearly seen God's hand in a situation. He has provided me with a godly husband whose number one desire is to serve the Lord. Rob has had amazing wisdom and strength during this time. I know that I could not do this without him holding my hand and walking beside me. God has blessed Rob and I with amazing families who are 100% supportive and faithful prayer warriors. He has allowed friends to support us in ways that we did not even know that we needed. He has placed strangers in our pathway who have shown us that even in this darkness there is light. He has given me strength to get out of bed when I did not know if I could. I don't know how God is planning on using this situation, but I am clinging to the fact that He will. Who knows if I will ever see the affects of it but I know that this horrible situation is not for nothing. Rob and I want to thank everyone for your prayers and support. We continue to ask for them. We need prayer for my health, that God will protect my body during this entire pregnancy. If I do get sick, we need prayer that God will give us guidance and peace with our decision to induce labor. We ask for prayer that God will use this situation for others so that they might see God's love and grace. Please, pray that we will continue to have endurance to go on with everyday life. Lastly, pray that we find joy in the midst of this situation and treasure all the time we have with our baby while it is safe in the womb. Thank you once again. OUR HOPE ENDURES through Christ....
I woke up Sunday morning with this premonition that maybe I was pregnant. I decided to take a home test and after a few minutes....PREGNANT!!! I was giddy and excited. After I could not wait any longer, I woke up Rob with the good news. He was a little shocked to say the least. We just sat in silence with huge smiles. Once the initial shock passed, we prayed that God's hand will be in the pregnancy and for our future child.
September 23rd
It was our first doctors appointment. I was eight weeks pregnant and already feeling the effects of morning sickness (or night sickness in my case). As I was driving to the doctor's office, I was nervous and excited. My heart was pounding as I thought about seeing our baby for the first time. We started the appointment by having an ultrasound. On the screen, we could immediately see the heartbeat and the little flutter as it moved side by side. I exhaled in relief knowing that the baby was alive and that all was well. After the ultrasound, we had to wait for the nurse practitioner. We ended up waiting for almost an hour and it never once crossed my mind that it was taking so long because the doctors & practitioners were examining our ultrasound. Finally, they called us back. We met our nurse practitioner and had a very basic assessment & exam. We were able to ask several questions without any inclination that something was wrong. Then the nurse practitioner asked "Do you know how many babies you have?". My eyes got wide and I looked at Rob and answered "No". At that moment, my heart was racing and I thought I can not believe we are going to have twins. I have always wanted twins but what were the odds? Then she responded, "Well, you have twins BUT only one has a heart beat and the other baby appears to have something wrong with it's brain." BOOM.......Our world came crashing down as disbelief began to overcome us and tears started to pour. She gave her condolences and gave us a few moments. Rob and I just held each other weeping. Could this be happening? Is this really going on? I knew right then, that we could not keep the pregnancy a secret any longer. We had to tell our families because we needed prayer. It was a very emotional day of not knowing what "wrong with the brain" even meant. I thought maybe we would have a special needs child. Since I work with them almost everyday, I knew that I could handle it and God would not give me more than I could handle.
September 24th
Even though I was emotionally drained from crying the day before, I went to work. I had my patient assignment and did my morning assessments. It was 8:45 and I called the perinatologist office per the nurse practitioner's request. I talked with the secretary explaining the ultrasound finding and how I needed to make an appointment. I was put on hold and then the secretary returned and said that the doctor wanted to see me right away. I told her I was at work and could I come in tomorrow and she said you need to come in now. Her sense of urgency made me very nervous. Thankfully, my manager was very supportive and we were able to find another nurse to cover my patients. By 10:15 Rob and I were in the perinatologist office. They preformed another ultrasound before we met with the specialist. We sat in his office as he explained how the baby referred to as Baby B had passed away 10 days ago and how, if at all, it's death would affect the other baby referred to as Baby A and the overall pregnancy. Finally, I interrupted and said "I'm sorry but they told us that something was wrong with the Baby A's brain". The Doctor was surprised by my statement and reviewed the scan and stated "everything looks fine to me". I just starred at Rob. Was there no more need to worry? Was our baby really ok after that devastating allegation? We left the office in silence and as we got into the elevator Rob said "Just be prepared that this might be an emotional roller coaster". Little did we know that he was foreshadowing our pregnancy to come.
October 8th
Two weeks later, we returned to the perinatolgist office for a follow-up appointment. I was ten weeks along and they wanted to ensure that there was proper brain development. Rob & I went to the ultrasound room and started our scan with the nurse. As soon as the baby was focused on the screen, I knew that something was not right. The baby's head looked abnormally large. I looked at the nurse and said "It is not normal, huh". "No, I don't think so. Let me go get the doctor." The doctor returned and informed us that indeed the ultrasound showed that the baby had anencephaly, a condition were there is no skull developed over the baby's brain. Typically, such babies can survive in utero but the brain will be washed away by the amniotic fluid. This condition is not conducive with life and they die within hours after birth. The cause of the condition is unknown, however, it is closely linked to low folic acid. I did my best to stay composed and to ask questions even though my mind was racing. The doctor was very matter of fact as he explained the condition. Then he stated "I would really recommend termination". I knew immediately that that was not an option for Rob or I. The doctor responded "Well you need to think about it because there are increased risk for toxemia due to the brain getting washed away". I felt that maybe he was trying to intimidate us but I can understand how legally he needed to make us aware of the risks. I reassured him that termination was not an option. Rob and I went home utterly broken...grieving the future loss of our child, grieving of the dream of child. It was devastating and heartbreaking. However, I had a weird since of peace. Peace that God was meeting us in our brokenness and I did not feel angry or doubt towards Him. I had negative thoughts towards myself though. Like what if I had only taken more folic acid (even though I was taking it prior to getting pregnant) or if only I had done blank. I know in my head that I cannot dwell on such thoughts and realize that sometimes things happen, but it is difficult to release myself from the trap of thinking that maybe I could have done something to prevent the situation and save our baby.
November 9th
It had been five weeks since the confirmation of the devastating news and we were coping the best that we could with the situation. We went into the perinatologist office with the thought "Well, at least it can not get any worse". We had another ultrasound and after a few minutes the nurse said "Let me get the doctor". Rob and I looked at each and thought now what is going on. The doctor returned and said "It looks like you have an acardiac twin. I'm really sorry, but this is as bad as it gets." Baby B, who had passed away at 7 weeks, was still growing from the waist down. This means that Baby A's heart is pumping for both of them and it is decreasing the amount of nutrients that the baby gets. Due to the stress that this places on the baby, the likelihood of the baby surviving in utero is only 25%. This was another blow for us because up till this point we were hoping and praying for the chance to meet our baby and hold it as it passes. While we knew that God could still provide us with the opportunity it was hard to not be further discouraged. We also received news that the acardiac twin will put increased stress on the placenta which in turn increases my risk (which was already high) for preeclampsia. The doctor once again encouraged us to terminate. However, right now I am healthy and our baby is alive. I am not saying that I am going to risk infertility, organ damage, or my life, but Rob and I are going to do all that we can to honor this LIFE.
Prayer
I am eighteen weeks pregnant and now physically seeing the effects of pregnancy as my stomach is getting bigger and bigger. This journey has been one of unexplainable heartache and pain, however, I also have never more clearly seen God's hand in a situation. He has provided me with a godly husband whose number one desire is to serve the Lord. Rob has had amazing wisdom and strength during this time. I know that I could not do this without him holding my hand and walking beside me. God has blessed Rob and I with amazing families who are 100% supportive and faithful prayer warriors. He has allowed friends to support us in ways that we did not even know that we needed. He has placed strangers in our pathway who have shown us that even in this darkness there is light. He has given me strength to get out of bed when I did not know if I could. I don't know how God is planning on using this situation, but I am clinging to the fact that He will. Who knows if I will ever see the affects of it but I know that this horrible situation is not for nothing. Rob and I want to thank everyone for your prayers and support. We continue to ask for them. We need prayer for my health, that God will protect my body during this entire pregnancy. If I do get sick, we need prayer that God will give us guidance and peace with our decision to induce labor. We ask for prayer that God will use this situation for others so that they might see God's love and grace. Please, pray that we will continue to have endurance to go on with everyday life. Lastly, pray that we find joy in the midst of this situation and treasure all the time we have with our baby while it is safe in the womb. Thank you once again. OUR HOPE ENDURES through Christ....
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